Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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