Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
