I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sponge bath it is.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
