also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
