we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize