and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
In America we eat man semen.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
