it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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