when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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