One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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