well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
