I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Someone came in the potted fern
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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