bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
