is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
my poor anus
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
