I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
