I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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