Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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