When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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