Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
