Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Vodka?
Forever.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
