I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
