Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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