my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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