so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize