I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
