Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
