apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
