My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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