I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
