between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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