Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
