I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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