So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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