Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
