Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
