all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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