I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
