Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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