they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
