The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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