I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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