apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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