they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
