I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
How does one acquire holy water?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
