I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
