Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
