I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
