Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
