don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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