It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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