Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
