she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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