So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
