i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
