You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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