i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
