Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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