why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
