So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
