I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
