I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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