She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
