Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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