Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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