I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
