A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
