My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
