when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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