When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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