I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
